Thoughts about Caring at 2am
I don’t understand why, but my mind works differently than others. I have this constant urge, a compelling force, to communicate. Thoughts flow freely like an open faucet; the basin of my mind filling to the brim. I can usually manage the flow. I open up the drain that is my unconscious and let a decent amount slip past; thought, then forgotten. There are times, however, when the hairball that is life commands both the attention of my sleeping and waking mind. The maintaining of the basin that is filled with my thoughts suddenly becomes the most daunting of tasks. Thoughts spill out onto twitter or Facebook; emotions dampen my relationships with others. I bail water out frantically, large face-fulls hitting my friends. Sometimes I am drowning. Waves of insecurities drag me under, rip tides pull me away from solid, rational ground.
I’ve been told I’m overwhelming. The word stings, like a cut discovered after the application of hand sanitizer. It hurts because the wound is there. It hurts me because I know it’s true. I can’t help that my personality is the worlds softest, most stifling blanket. I accept its true. My thoughts, feelings, emotions, and opinions need an outlet. My friends just so happen to be in the slash zone.
One specific way my thoughts take form is in the care of others. Are we friends? Do I tell you I love you? Then you have probably gotten soaked. If you are having a trial, and I know about it, I will call, and text, and Facebook, and email, and sometimes even write letters, to express my love and support for you. Is that overwhelming? Oh yeah. Experience has made that very apparent. Have I lost friends by caring too intensely? Yes sir. Should I “chill” and just take things easy? Probably.
In my mind I’m like “hard pass”. Ain’t no way I’m gonna stop caring for people. I can’t apologize for loving. Yeah, maybe its a LOT of love, but isn’t that what we all want? Don’t we LOVE to be LOVED? Do we not pray for the love of a Heavenly Father? Repent to use Christ’s act of love in our lives? Fight tooth and nail through blind dates to find the “one”? Why should I ever stop caring?
Someone really smart once told me relationships don’t work when the participants are unequally yoked. While I think that is a good rule of thumb, I’d carry the other person on my back if it would show them how much I love them. Are we honestly criticizing the people who show their care and compassion to us? Love requires us to give our hearts to others. I think the least we can do is refrain from complaint about the weight of it.