How To Save A Life

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends.  I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”- Jane Austen

Every time I lose a friend, “How to Save a Life” plays in my head. It’s the saddest song I know because of that.

I have never had a close loved one die, but I have lost close friends.  Not to anything dastardly like death of disease, but rather, to growing apathy.

-You are too much

-Its draining to be around you

-Knowing you is taxing

I have come to accept these phrases; they are engraved behind my eyelids.  I see them every time I close my eyes to mourn the loss of another brother.

Alex was the first one to leave.  He was the first one to know my secrets.  He was the first one to shrink away from the chore it was to be my friend.  Isaac tired harder, and he lasted longer.  He tried to empathize with me, to love me.  To harness my compulsions. Isaac lasted the longest.  It was a great two years.  I loved it.  He was so kind to me.. but like every expectation I have, this one was not met.  I got two great years to look back on as consolation.

Many have come and gone; their names written in journals, and recorded within prayers in Heaven.

The years have taught me to see patterns in my life.  New friendship ebbs away as the months go on.  What used to be personality quirks quickly turn to unbearable and taxing annoyances.  The way I spoke was once bold and courageous, but I now seem needy and feminine.

While my tears pool at the latest loss of my heart, The Fray echoes inside.  Every friend I have holds a spot in my heart.  As I begin the process of closing that space, the lyrics of “How to Save A Life” begin the mourning and healing process.  Those spots in my heart aren’t ever filled–no.  They remain empty; testimony at the last day that I loved.

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

How I wish I could scream to them my love!  How I wish I could forget and remain cold to disappointment.  How I wish they knew that I would have stayed up all night; that I wish I could have saved that life.